You wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at me how high my support needs are. You wouldn’t be able to tell by casually knowing me either, actually. That’s because I’ve spent my entire life relying on and developing what I call my “workarounds.” I’ve explained some of these “workarounds” to only a small number of people, each flabbergasted to learn how much conscious effort my day-to-day existence requires.

Even fewer people have witnessed the extent of my ability to overcome the setbacks of my disability. But it’s someone who has - my mother, who handed me the key to be able to do so. As a child I paid close attention to those around me, especially her. A single mother of four, I watched her struggle often, solving problems with many “workarounds.” She was relentless in her efforts to provide for her children. And it is she who instilled this determination in me long before I recognized it was there.

Because of my autism, I have short-term memory disabilities that are specific to information order and working memory. I struggle with the ability to retain information in order and to hold and manipulate information in my mind. I’ve come to find that this is mostly specific to words and numbers. I don’t naturally think in words. My mind especially loses track of numbers and letters. I can’t spell most words over 6 letters without autocorrect, and the most basic math problem isn’t solvable for me without visual representation of amounts or a calculator. There were countless nights spent up late trying to use memorization as an early “workaround” for what I didn’t yet realize was actually a memory issue in itself.

An actual “workaround” I’ve used my entire life for my short-term memory disability is melody. With music and words, my mind will retain information in order. So, I was able to easily learn a lot up until a certain point in elementary school… the last of the songs I was taught, outside of music classes, being multiplication songs and the “Fifty Nifty United States.”  Today I know that if/when I need to memorize a short sequence of numbers, the way something is spelled, or even the order in which a task should be completed, I can use repetition as I say it out loud with voice inflection that resembles various pitches and rhythms.

I really owe a lot to this particular “workaround.” It’s given me so much capability in the work that I do. The existence of music is so innate to our very being that it goes hand in hand with nurturing our children. I don’t find there to be much happenstance around what I consider my purpose in life. My ability to learn this way, when I am not able to learn in many other ways, only reinforces that perspective.

But this is just one example of many “workarounds” I use. Some of them, like that one, I've come to discover in hindsight, and some of them I intentionally started putting in place when I decided that giving up on life wasn’t an option. Before that there were so many moments I thought I was hopeless. I thought I was doomed to forever disappoint others and, in turn, myself.

One day, about twenty years ago, my mother sat next to my hospital bed after I attempted to end my life and simply asked me, “Why?” I couldn’t answer her then. It would be many, many years of processing before I could identify what really led me to want to give up.  But it was in that moment, looking into her eyes, that I realized what perseverance looked like. I made the choice then and there that I would keep going no matter what. I was determined to become a functional and independent adult despite my academic and intellectual setbacks.

Even though they are mostly invisible to others, I feel no shame in getting by using the unconventional ways I am able. They allow me to learn, grow, and live a life where I am able to share my experience and give all of the love I have to give.